I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
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A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Pandas 🐼🖤
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.