HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
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When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Air pods looking like an angry frog
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Writing, She Murdered.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
just gave your address to some spiders
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?