*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
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[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
March 16
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Pat is about to own someone
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*