I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
You Might Also Like
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Watson was Holmes schooled
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
#MeanwhileinCanada
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
If you’re testing me, we failed.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*