i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
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Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.