Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
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Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
being a writer on Twitter:
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side