My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
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Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?