Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
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Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.