[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
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Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.