Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
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Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
bugs when you lift up a rock
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?