[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
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Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
“Huge”.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
This why you should mind your business
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
we’re gonna need another temp
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip