Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
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Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.