[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
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TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“What movie?” 🤔
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site