That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
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me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Boating season is upon us.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Donkey Kong sommelier
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.