Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
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Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.