Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
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Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
my proudest tweet
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
How times have changed.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet