I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
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accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.