“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
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Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Happy Caturday!
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
where the womens at?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Seas the day!!!!
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?