“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
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bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.