Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
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I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Alexa: *deep breath*
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.