My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
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Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
When your man makes a valid point
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Jogging
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.