Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
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[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
sliding into dms like
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.