Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
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no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform