I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
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Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
This trial is so absurd 😭
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE