The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
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The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
What a chick magnet..
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no