I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
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Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I hope this email finds you in a well
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing