When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
You Might Also Like
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I鈥檇 give you a dollar
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You鈥檝e made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I鈥檒l bring my workout gear. I mean I haven鈥檛 worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I love art.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Can鈥檛, I鈥檓 in big trouble with the wife. I didn鈥檛 notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
If it鈥檚 in a bowl and it鈥檚 before lunch time then technically it鈥檚 cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 馃憖
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I鈥檒l be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.