I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
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The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I saw this ending much differently.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution