Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
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Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here