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At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
How did we not see this back then?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.