[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
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Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
This a good idea
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t