3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
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I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off