A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
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judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender