Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
whatcha thinkin bout
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.