A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
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One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.