I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
You Might Also Like
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Everyone’s family
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?