My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
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My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.