Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
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Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
this is uni
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.