Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
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the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
#catsoftwitter
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.