The Sun’s probably Asian.
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Bread puns are on the rise!
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”