I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
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Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Meat Cute
Dammit Chief not again
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..