[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Ion see the issue
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier