If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
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“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.