[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
You Might Also Like
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
i wish we could shoplift online
☺️
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Sex so good you see dead people.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.