SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
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Leonardo DiCaprisun
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Kids, do not try this at home!
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
HR is giving me a hard time because I鈥檝e been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they鈥檙e like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 馃槉馃槉馃槉
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pok茅mon.