Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
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Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
guys i’ve cracked the code
It has been 3 years since Monday.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?