ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.