The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
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This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Spotted in New Orleans.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
is this store having a stroke wtf
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
i will avenge u mr van gogh
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.