cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
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“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
We’ve all been there
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN