Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
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[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁